You can't be serious!
by jycarti22
Summary: Nope. Definitely not serious with those references. All grammar/characterization corrections are welcome.
1. A Step In Bread-ass!

"You fear him that much? Worry not, he's not that bad when you get to know him." A certain witch chuckled.

"You can't be serious!" A raven-haired girl retorts. "I-I mean, he looks like he's going to sell our souls to the devil!" _Something's definitely wrong here._

"Heh. Calm your tits." A bald man raises his hand to relieve the tension. "I ain't gonna do that, ya dig?" _To Hell with it, I still sound cool!_

A brown-haired idol sighs. "Can't help it, he really has an intimidating presence, given his title." _Uh, what was he called again?_

"Names have no relevance in my work. As long as I can keep mining their essence for my craft, I'm all good." The bald man grinned. _Oh, yeah. I'm so awesome._

"Still, don't you think the girls need to feel a little more familiar around here?" The witch smirked. _This doesn't sound right at all._

"You asked for it. Well then, ladies, welcome to the-"

"NOOOOO! NO, NO, NO!" The raven-haired girl panicked. "And can't you guys call me something other than 'raven-haired'?!"

Silence befell the shop. "You guys went way off the script." A redhead sighed.

"Now, now, if somebody here doesn't behave, they'll get their chest rubbed... He, he, he..." A purple-haired woman grinned as she raised her hands in a cupping motion, prepared to 'attack'. The other girls gasped in fear, while the raven-haired girl gulped hard, with her hands protecting her chest.

"Let's... Let's just have another take! I promise I won't freak out!" She closed her eyes while tightening her guard. But alas, her punishment was not delivered.

Meanwhile, at a corner of the shop, an auburn-haired idol tried hard to suppress her sounds of pleasure as her maroon-haired partner slowly and lustfully licked her ears. Each slide of the tongue sent shivers to her body as a hot sensation stirred up in her chest. When she managed to open her eyes and look behind her partner, she instantly froze in place. Mortified. Afraid.

"Hey?" Her partner immediately sensed it. But it was too late when she saw the reflection in those velvet eyes.

A loud scream could be heard across the frozen city. And a certain blonde could only mentally sing Arifureta Kanashimi No Hate because it was never done to her in the manga, in the anime, and in the games.

* * *

"Wielding weapons... I still don't think I can kill them. But... Even with no combat experience, as long as I can help you, I will give it my all!" A ginger-haired girl raised her fist, with a determined smile. The rest of the girls smiled in agreement.

"I know I said this before, but... You know, ever since you recruited me into this group, I have learned to give more trust to people. To put my faith in my friends when they need it the most. You inspired me to move forward with music. You taught me how to overcome my anxiety... And now, how to face danger, and even, death. That's why... I want you to lead us again in this journey!" The redhead reached out her hand, which was gladly accepted by the ginger head.

"I'm not going to lead you. I want all of us to be together in this." "We will," The rest of them answered with rediscovered passion.

A red portal opened behind the wine counter. The bald man dives out of the portal, exhausted and covered in blood, shocking the idols with such a horrifying sight. "Mister! Are you okay?" A gray-haired girl rushed to help the wounded man stand up.

"I'm fine, just got myself a little challenge down there." He felt satisfied with his fight. "But guess what? You ain't getting these anywhere in the world!" He materializes twelve different orbs, which transformed into unique weapons, one for each idol in the shop. Again, there were twelve of them to count, just in case that raven-haired girl skipped her homework.

"What?" She retorted at no one, with one arm ready to protect her chest.

"Nice work. You could have done better," the witch remarked at the bald man. She knew that it would be quite a reckless act for him in that state. "He, he. Wait until I get my old self back, baby."

The ginger head could not help but admire the weapon before her. A pair of gauntlets with fin-like layers and spiked knuckles, bathed in a powerful orange aura that resonated with her will. "Whoa... I will..." She murmured in awe as she held the gauntlets. "I will fight with these!" She exclaimed. Before she knew it, the gauntlets have already latched themselves onto her arms, extending to her shoulders. She closed her eyes as she whimpered. A bright aura engulfed her. New memories flooded her thoughts, and an immense amount of power coursed through her veins, as if the weapon was becoming one with her. Empowering her.

"Huh? Sho... chili? Huh?" _DAMN IT, BREAD GIRL. DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT?!_ The ginger head could only mentally laugh at the weapon's reaction. The aura slowly faded as it revealed her new form. She opened her eyes, which became amber with a faint glow. Behind her, her own aura concentrated very densely to form several powerful swords glowing with magic, floating like wings. She gained new confidence, and true fighting spirit. "I can feel it... The warmth... The passion of soaring to reach my dreams... It's a familiar feeling... As if they are a part of me..." She took a deep breath and formed a cup around her lips.

 **"I LOVE YOU, TSUBASAAAAA!"** Her declaration of love echoed across all realms, reaching even the Idol Hell, The 10th Circle Of Hell.

"But! I love bread more." Poor rice girl, fainting with a nose bleed from all those 'possibilities' in her mind. She has read too much yuri, her cat-like friend concluded.

* * *

A.N. Please don't let shrine maidens rape me.


	2. There Has To Be A Mistake!

Classes were over at Otonokizaka High. But there was a problem: It was raining hard the whole day.

In the second years' classroom, Honoka slumped on her seat, groaning while thinking where else can they do their idol practice. "Umi, may we use the auditorium?" Umi, who was doing her homework, simply shaked her head. "Honoka, people have already gone home. And we can't stay here much longer."

More groans were heard from the bored ginger head. "Umi, Honoka, let's go home? We can always have practice tomorrow!" Kotori pleaded. Umi packed her things and tapped the still grumpy Honoka on her shoulder. "All right..." She stood up reluctantly and followed the two as they walked out of the classroom.

They walked down the stairs and came across three familiar girls. "Honoka!" "Oh. Nozomi! Eli! Nico!" The purple-haired girl was with Eli and Nico. "Are you going home too?" Eli asked the second years. "Yes. Let's go?" Umi replied. Eli nodded with a smile. "It's been raining the whole day..." They kept walking down as they talked. They decided to visit the first years.

In the first years' classroom, Rin could not help but stare at the window while tapping her seat with a pencil. "It's so boring when it rains!" Hanayo, who was leaning on her best friend's shoulder, tried to comfort her. "Don't worry, Rin. It will stop soon. And I have some onigiri for us!" "Really?!" Hanayo nodded her head and took out three pieces of onigiri from her bag. "Here, Rin." "Wow, it's cute! Thank you!" Rin quickly faced her and hugger her tight while still holding her onigiri. "R-Rin! I can't eat!" Hanayo blushed from the intimacy.

As soon as Rin let go of her friend, Hanayo offered the third piece to Maki, who was reading a book several seats away. The redhead turned to them. "For me? N-no, thank you. I'm not-" Her stomach grumbled. _Fine._

She left the book with a bookmark to take Hanayo's homemade food, and examined its ingredients. _She added tomato bits?_ She smiled when she realized how considerate her friend is, even at the little things. "Hanayo... Thank you." She went back to her book while taking bites of her special tomato-flavored onigiri.

Minutes later, a few knocks were heard at the door of the room, distracting Maki from her book. "Maki, who's there?" Rin asked. Upon seeing Eli and the others behind the door, Maki gave them a smile that signaled them to enter, which they did. "How are you?" Eli asked them. "We're fine. Rin's bored though," Maki replied.

"Since we're all here, why don't we stay over somewhere?" Honoka suggested. "That would be nice for the weekend. Whose house then?" Umi asked, considering that there is no homework to do. "Hmm... Maki?" Nozomi smirked, knowing how easily she can get her way with the junior. "Ueh?! I-I can't! My parents..." Maki turned away to hide her embarrassment. "It'll be fine! I'm sure they'll be happy to have us." "But..."

When she looked at them again, she was surrounded with expectant smiles. "Ugh. Fine! But let me call them first. Okay?" "All right! It's a stayover at Maki's house!" Honoka got excited.

* * *

Rin kept fidgeting and groaning on a sofa, unable to contain her boredom. "I think this chapter will be another flop, nya..." "Rin! You know we previously did an already unpopular story, right?" Nico scolded her. She was just as bored, and nagging Maki was out of the option. "Oh! You mean, the Umbran thing?" Honoka was sitting beside Rin, eating a cinnamon roll. "Yeah. We just tried to stay in character..."

Nico took out her smartphone, which was already connected to the Nishikinos' wifi, to play Starlight Stage, even though she knew she sucked at it. Rin did the same, but she had to ask her for the wifi password to play School Idol Festival.

"Nico, do you know the wifi password?" She jolted at the question, immediately glowing red on her cheeks. "Y-yes! Give me your phone!" Rin, being clueless, quickly handed her smartphone. Nico tapped the network named _Mato-chan!_ to type in "N!(On1c022", which worked. "Hmph. You're lucky that you're with the amazing Nico-ni!" She tossed back the smartphone, which was easily caught by its owner.

Rin was surprised when she got a good look at the event banner. "Nico! Look!" "Not now." By then, she has already revived two times while playing Absolute NIne on Master+. And the third time when Rin called her.

After 'surviving' the song, she tossed her snartphone aside, partly in frustration, to look at Rin's screen. What she saw seemed to brighten her mood. "I knew it! Nico-ni is so popular!" "But Nico, it's not your event! There has to be some mistake, nya!"

Honoka did not give a damn at all as long as there was bread to stuff in her mouth. She does not care what will happen next, and I don't know what else to add. _Nom! Least of my worries._


	3. Keep Your H Safe!

_chijah en rikaa was in de calsrum 4 aqors, da chubyb saesied idolls hu capied myus u all now, wel i watn dem 2 fak so hat addn had bcuz i kno hnna maruu wsa festegn yuo om a baot_

 _"BUM CHIKA WAW WAW WAT U GANA SEY" rikak fakcd chkia so had she as wet as sea_

 _"RIKAH OH YES!PUT DEM ALL PEANO FENGRES IN" seh scriemde_

 _an d yuo wetnt 2 maris huozse aftrr being footrd tu fest hesefl enda asss_

 _"WAWTANABE YUO GET UR FAKING FATAS S AWT!NOWAN LIEKS IDOLLS DAT FEST DEMSELFS"_

 _yuo crais becus she wans 2 fest hreself 4evrr adn rans awai frm maris houz 2 go 2 kanans hause_

 _"KALIWA KALIWA! KALIWA KANAN KALIWA KANAN KALIWA!" kanan wus doin exersise_

 _"omayagd yuo y ru crieing?" "MARI SED I HAV A FATAS S HU HU HU I JAS WANTU FEST MYSELV"_

 _"if u wnat i fest u both hoelzz" en they kisu ad n hav hat ssx i want it liek dat mmmmh!_

 _oooohyehh luk at me deam i fapd so had!_

 _"thnks u for trustng me yuo i wuv u somats mwah mwahtsup tsup!"_

 _"AHH I WUV U 2 KANAN MWAHMWAH TSUPTSUP!"_

 _DEAM I FAP 2 HAD I SHOT DEM LOADZ ON DA PHONE I SHUD STAHP NOW_

"Who wrote this?!" Nico was looking furiosly at her phone. Her siblings started pointing at... Cotaro. He could only look down. Guilty. Poor kid.

"Cotaro! Can you explain this?!"

In his usual lifeless tone, he answered, "Your DVD. Naked girls. Beside Maki's pictures."

"Wh-wh-what?! I mean, what are you talking about?!" Cocoa and Cocoro tried their best not to laugh, but seeing Nico all red and in denial made it harder to suppress. It seems their brother learned, of all things, how to write a rotten kind of lemon.

Cotaro, in the most serious and eerie tone possible, said something that no one of his age should have. It even sounded like he was possessed.

 **You are going to fuck Maki tonight.**

That really disturbed Nico. She was speechless. Mortified beyond belief. He sneezed on his handkerchief, and repeated himself in his normal voice.

"You. Maki. When we leave with mama." His sisters finally bursted into laughter.

"You can't be serious!"


	4. Umi, You're Not In A Harem!

Previously on one of the worst *cough*damnit*cough* T-rated fanfics of Sakurako Kimino's Love Live! School Idol Project:

Team Amuse went to a frozen city to help a crazy witch defeat her enemies! After a bloody fight in another realm, a mysterious man was able to provide twelve weapons for us to be able to fight too. A-at least I did my homework!  
Anyway, back at school, it was raining so we decided to go to my dear Maki's house. A week later, when I got back home from shopping, I was totally shocked by what Cotaro did! Follow us in another short chapter of lesbian action, because the longest Love Live! fanfic is 302,508 words long, if you can read Spanish! We will now continue with the story, nico~! ❤

"I am going to school now!" Umi fitted in her shoes before walking out of their house. She has always been one of the earlier birds, but a lot of people ship her with a certain bird that ocassionally _eats bread_ for lunch. And ships can sail only on a sea.

A familiar voice called her as she crossed the road to Otonokizaka High. It was Kotori, quickly closing the distance between them. Umi closely observed how her gray hair swinged. How bright her smile was, which made her smile too. People would glance at her. It seemed that time moved slower for them, as if it were a movie.

"Did you see Honoka?" Umi asked. "Not yet. She did not answer my calls. Let's wait in the classroom?" "Yes. Let's go. Ah-" Umi suddenly felt the warmth of another hand wrap her own. Taking advantage of her surprised state, Kotori stole a peck on her lips. _S-shameless! We're in public!_ She really blushed. She hate to admit it to herself, but she felt like bursting with happiness.

On their way to their classroom, Umi saw an orange head running in the hallway. "Rin! Please stop running inside the school!" She stopped to look where Umi was, and ran towards her.  
"Umiii~!" Rin was about to embrace her, when Umi pushed her chest to keep the distance. Rin wrapped her hands around Umi's, which was still touching her chest, and squeezed it with an apologetic smile. _Rin's... Soft._ "Hehe. Sorry." Then she walks normally to the first years' classroom. "Shameless!" Kotori spoke exactly what was in her friend's mind, and Umi could only blush and look at her hand that _touched_ Rin.

"Umi! Kotori! Sorry, I overslept again!" Honoka arrived at the classroom, panting. "Good morning, Honoka!" Kotori waved her hand at her. Honoka giggled at her as she walked straight to Umi. She bowed down to level her head with Umi's, who was already blushing and looking away thanks to their proximity. She offered a piece of bread to Umi. She looked back at Honoka to say thanks, but before she knew it, her lips were met with the ginger head's. "Good morning, Umi!"

On their lunch time, Maki called Umi to the music room to help with the new song the pianist was composing. As soon as they were both inside, she quickly closed the door behind them and pinned Umi against it. The lyricist could smell the redhead's arousing fragrance.  
"Sorry, Umi," Maki whispered. "M-Maki?!" Umi blushed even redder than before. From the lyricist's ear, the redhead brushed her lips along her jawline, and licking her chin upward to capture Umi's lips with hers. They shared a deep kiss, but it abruptly ended when Umi felt Maki's leg between her thighs, and she was sure that she let out a weak moan. The redhead gave her an awkward smile. "So, h-how was it?" She was met with silence. And a redder blush.

"Umi! Are you coming with us?" Maki definitely heard that. It was Honoka who called. "G-get out of the room! Quick!" She pushed the still speechless Umi out of the music room.

Upon making her first step out of the music room, she was faced with a serious-looking Nico. "Hi, Nico! What are y-" The raven-haired senior yanked her collar and pulled her into a quick, deep kiss. Umi was, for the nth time, caught off-guard. "With that, I've taken back Maki's lips." Nico pulled herself from the kiss and turned away. "Kotori must be worried, so I'm heading back now."

"You're a Yazawa, not an Aihara, Nico-chi!" "Shut up, you E-cup monster!" Nozomi makes an unexpected entrance, further delaying Umi from having lunch with her fellow second years.  
"By the way, Umi, just because they showed their affection for you today doesn't mean I will do the same. In fact, I'm here because I don't want Eli-chi to get here first." "Nozomi? W-what do you mean...?"  
The purple-haired girl gave her that suspicious smirk, which made the atmosphere more tense. "Also, you might have been looking for an answer to _that_ question since October 27. Unfortunately, Umi, the answer is no."  
"I don't understand at all. What are you trying to say, Nozomi?"

Nico cleared her throat, letting them know that she was still there, listening. And blushing. "I dreamt about being in _that situation_ , doing it with you guys. But that doesn't count! Only Honoka was, that lucky airhead. Remember...?" Both Umi and Nozomi averted their gazes to hide their blushes, remembering a faint but very stimulating memory.

 _"Ah, Honoka...! I'm a-about to... Use it... Use your stamen...!"_

Finally, Umi caught up with Honoka and Kotori to have lunch together. After eating their meals, the two exchanged looks and nodded. They held each of Umi's hands, and with a smile, they greeted, "Umi! Happy birthday!"


	5. The Disappearance Of Kousaka Honoka?

"Theoretically _speaking, Honoka is sometimes not the Honoka you know."_

"She has multiple personalities, is what you're trying to say?" Maki answered. Tsubasa affirmed her answer, but the redhead didn't seem to be convinced. "What proof do you have that gave you that conclusion?"

"Simple..."

A flashback of when Honoka got hospitalized, and was accompanied by Tsubasa. She heard the ginger head utter words, some sounding totally out of character.

"Why do they keep calling me 'ginger head'?" In an irritated voice.

"Like, duh, it's all hair, dude. All hair!" In a sassy accent.

"Please don't make me addicted to card games. Or voice in a smutty visual novel!" In her normal voice.

"I love you, you love me, let's get together and kill Barney with a big shotgun and Barney on the floor. No more purple dinosaur~" In a lively, morbid tone, while grinning manically.

"Who edited Chapter 4? It was kinda off." Her irritated, rational self spoke again.

"Oh my-! Tsubasa, my hero! I love-" And her fangirl self got smacked by her hero. The flashback ended.

* * *

"I... can't go back anymore... Tsubasa..."

"Can't go back? You haven't paid the bills! And our baby...!"

"I told you Tsubasa, that's not it!" _Damn it, Honoka! How am I supposed to get Tier 1 in your event if they cut off the Internet?!_

"You can always use mobile data... dummy." _Oh. She's right, but... Did she read my thoughts?! Ah, fuck it._

Honoka, standing on the edge of the building, on the very roof, took a step backwards.

"Go ahead, Honoka. Jump. A suicide will be nice and neat."

"What if I don't?"

"All your bread goes to Pan."

Honoka's eyes widen in fear, and turned into a frown as quickly as she could jump off the building.

"Damn you, Kotori's retriever!" The ginger head's scream echoed as she fell down.

"Honokaaa!" Heavily devastated by the suicide attempt, she ran in tears to check where she fell.

And up went the bread girl, standing on a floating Delorean right before the idol's eyes.

"What the hell?" Tsubasa's jaw dropped in disbelief.

The gull-wing door suddenly opened, hitting Tsubasa right on her weak spot!

"Deeeeen! Deneneen, den, den, deeeeen! Deen, deen! Deneneenen, den, deeeeen!"

"Nice shot, Maki!"

How the car managed to carry the rest of Muse who sang the music was a mystery.

* * *

Honoka, bedridden and was temporarily without voice after losing Deadpool Mode, wrote on a piece of paper.

 **Girls, I have something to tell you.**

The rest of Muse turned their attention to Honoka. The ginger head then looked at Tsubasa, who was standing behind her fellow idols. Honoka then gave her a sweet smile, which Tsubasa did not understand at first, but as she stared at the smile for a few moments, she finally understood what it meant. Somehow, it made her nervous. _Smh._

The other girls were confused with the gayness of the TsubaHono. Hanayo, however, had one thing in mind. _It seems like A-RISE's Tsubasa-sama wants to go dancing dancing with Honoka-chan._

Honoka's smile grew wider as she wrote something on her notepad. When she revealed the notepad to them, they stared at it for a moment, and when the words sank in, they all shouted.

"WHAAAAAAAT?!"

"Stop it. It has too many 'A's." Tsubasa hissed, face-palming to cover her blush.

"You can't be serious!" It was Eli's turn to say it this time.

"No, no, Honoka! This is so wrong in many levels!" Nico panicked. She totally couldn't accept it.

Nozomi almost teared up, but no one noticed. "How about me, Honoka? How did I..."

"Hey, Forehead! Say something!" Eli's patience was running out.

Tsubasa sighed deeply. But with the way things turned out, it should work out just fine too. She then walked towards them, sat beside Honoka, took her pen and notepad, wrote something, and showed it to everyone.

"EEEEEEEHHH?!"

Tsubasa then took Honoka's paper where she just wrote on and gave it to the ginger head.

On Honoka's paper: **"Maki tasted like tomatoes!"**

And on Tsubasa's paper: **"Honoka tasted like Gardenia with bacon and scrambled eggs!"**

"Hanayo fainted, nya~!" And once again, the poor rice girl is down, in Rin's arms, with blood gushing out of her nose. The gay was too strong for her, it seemed.


End file.
